Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Made
Would
Masturbate
Masturbation
Shorter
Intended
Sexy
Arms
Funny
More quotes by George Carlin
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Carlin
Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
George Carlin
Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
George Carlin
Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
George Carlin
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
George Carlin
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
George Carlin
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
George Carlin
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
George Carlin
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
George Carlin
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
George Carlin
Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
George Carlin
Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
George Carlin
I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
George Carlin
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
George Carlin
The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind
George Carlin
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
George Carlin
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
George Carlin
The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin