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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Intended
Sexy
Arms
Funny
Made
Would
Masturbate
Masturbation
Shorter

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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.
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In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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