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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Persons
Person
Genuine
Solutions
Listening
Serious
Hear
Talking
Political

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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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