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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Persons
Person
Genuine
Solutions
Listening
Serious
Hear
Talking
Political

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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
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You never see a smiling runner.
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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