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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Numbers
Next
Back
Teens
Even
Jump
Aging
Ahead
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More quotes by George Carlin

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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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Language always gives you away.
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I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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