Quote

How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Never
Aging
Thirty
Six
Keys
Four
Five
Half
Going

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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
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