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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Praying
Atheism
Admittedly
Laws
Deity
Deities
Law
Begging
Religion
Unworthy
Nature
Alter
Someone
Unseen
More quotes by George Carlin
When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word cynic has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. George, you're cynical. Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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Life is not that complicated.
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