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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Judging
Juror
Duty
Jurors
Lying
Jury
Tell
Terrific
Truth
Spot
Trying
Spots
Make
Guilty
People
Judge
More quotes by George Carlin
I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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