Quote

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Duty
Jurors
Lying
Jury
Tell
Terrific
Truth
Spot
Trying
Spots
Make
Guilty
People
Judge
Judging
Juror

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Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, Hey, listen to me. Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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