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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Nature
Joke
Look
Humorous
Nothing
Jokes
Looks
Average
Good
Realize
Realizing
American
Enjoy
Enjoys

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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
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