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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Look
Humorous
Nothing
Jokes
Looks
Average
Good
Realize
Realizing
American
Enjoy
Enjoys
Nature
Joke

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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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