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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Good
Realize
Realizing
American
Enjoy
Enjoys
Nature
Joke
Look
Humorous
Nothing
Jokes
Looks
Average

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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
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Life is not that complicated.
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people.
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