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I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Hope
Ropes
Idea
Rope
Shows
Strings
Ideas
Pull
Find
Humorous
Maybe
Asks
Show

More quotes by George Carlin

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When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
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I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep hogs and cows get slaughtered.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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Religion is just mind control.
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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