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I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Find
Humorous
Maybe
Asks
Show
Hope
Ropes
Idea
Rope
Shows
Strings
Ideas
Pull

More quotes by George Carlin

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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
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It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
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The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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