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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Guy
Bother
Eye
Humorous
Death
Suicide
Keep
Gonna
Someone
Kill
Watches
Watch
Hurt

More quotes by George Carlin

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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
George Carlin
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
George Carlin
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Religion is just mind control.
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
George Carlin
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
George Carlin
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
George Carlin