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A pear is a failed apple.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Pear
Pears
Apple
Apples
Failed
Humorous

More quotes by George Carlin

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The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
George Carlin
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I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
George Carlin