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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Going
Remind
Like
Humorous
Generally
Probably
Happen
Dies
Inconvenience
Hate
Schedule
Happens
Schedules

More quotes by George Carlin

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
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I'm sure Hitler was great with his family.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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