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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Activity
Ball
Walking
Sticks
Takes
Draw
Pleasure
Intellect
Crooked
Think
Balls
Fairly
Thinking
Lows
Hitting
Draws
Stick
Following
Humorous
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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