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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Believing
Humorous
Concerned
Worth
Belief
Humans
Come
Believe
More quotes by George Carlin
I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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A pear is a failed apple.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
George Carlin
