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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Worth
Belief
Humans
Come
Believe
Believing
Humorous
Concerned

More quotes by George Carlin

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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
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My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
George Carlin
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
George Carlin
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
George Carlin
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
George Carlin
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
George Carlin
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
George Carlin
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
George Carlin
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Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.
George Carlin
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
George Carlin
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?
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