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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Caliber
Loaded
Humorous
Knew
Human
Humans
Many
Cannonball
Men
Cannonballs

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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.
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Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, Hey, listen to me. Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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Christian Deodorant: Thou Shalt Not Smell
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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