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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Nice
Funny
Never
Life
Dogs
Dog
Lead

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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.
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President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
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