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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Life
Dogs
Dog
Lead
Nice
Funny
Never

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Life is tough, then you die.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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Life is a zero sum game.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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