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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
Never
Life
Dogs
Dog
Lead
Nice

More quotes by George Carlin

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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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Hooray for most things!
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
George Carlin
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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