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Life is a zero sum game.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Zero
Stupid
Game
Games
Life
People

More quotes by George Carlin

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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
George Carlin
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They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
George Carlin
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
George Carlin
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
George Carlin
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
George Carlin
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
George Carlin
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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
George Carlin
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
George Carlin
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word cynic has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. George, you're cynical. Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know
George Carlin
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
George Carlin
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
George Carlin
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
George Carlin
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
George Carlin
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
George Carlin