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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Didn
People
Cops
Cop
Lawyer
Humor
Stupid
Law
Funny

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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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