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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Probably
Actually
Moment
Moments
Feel
Feels
Okay
Time
Dying
People
Stupid

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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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The older you get, the better you realize you were.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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