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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Nine
National
Wednesdays
Wind
Weekends
Stupid
Holidays
People
Wednesday
Observed
Weekend
Holiday
More quotes by George Carlin
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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In the doggie dictionary, under bow wow it says, See arf arf.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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