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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Weekend
Holiday
Nine
National
Wednesdays
Wind
Weekends
Stupid
Holidays
People
Wednesday
Observed

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Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
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Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
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I hope I'm beginning a new cycle of energy and creativity. If so, it'll really be my third career. The first was as a straight comic in the Sixties. The second was as a counterculture performer in the Seventies. The third will be...well, that's for others to judge.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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