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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Wind
Weekends
Stupid
Holidays
People
Wednesday
Observed
Weekend
Holiday
Nine
National
Wednesdays
More quotes by George Carlin
One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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