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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Thinking
Hang
People
Somewhere
Stupid
Ready
Guy
Read
Right
Think
Gettin
More quotes by George Carlin
You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
George Carlin
Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
George Carlin
I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
George Carlin
Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
George Carlin
To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
George Carlin
Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
George Carlin
Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
George Carlin
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
George Carlin
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
George Carlin
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
George Carlin
I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
George Carlin
What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
George Carlin
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
George Carlin
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
