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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Stupid
Ready
Guy
Read
Right
Think
Gettin
Thinking
Hang
People
Somewhere

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
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When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
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Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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