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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Jesus
Titles
Chops
Three
Sport
Offends
Even
Majors
Bowling
People
Major
Pork
Shoes
Rent
Stupid
Title
Bring
Vegetarian
Sports
Religions
Vegetarians

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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it all stays here.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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