Quote

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Sports
Religions
Vegetarians
Jesus
Titles
Chops
Three
Sport
Offends
Even
Majors
Bowling
People
Major
Pork
Shoes
Rent
Stupid
Title
Bring
Vegetarian

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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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All music is the blues. All of it.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
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It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
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I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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