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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Jesus
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Chops
Three
Sport
Offends
Even
Majors
Bowling
People
Major
Pork
Shoes
Rent
Stupid
Title
Bring
Vegetarian
Sports
Religions
Vegetarians

More quotes by George Carlin

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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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Irony deals with opposites it has nothing to do with coincidence.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
George Carlin
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
George Carlin