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The future will soon be a thing of the past.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
People
Soon
Stupid
Future
Past
Thing

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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
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I believe you can joke about anything.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word cynic has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. George, you're cynical. Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
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