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The future will soon be a thing of the past.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Stupid
Future
Past
Thing
People
Soon

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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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Life is a zero sum game.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
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