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The future will soon be a thing of the past.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Soon
Stupid
Future
Past
Thing
People

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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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You never see a smiling runner.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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