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The future will soon be a thing of the past.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Stupid
Future
Past
Thing
People
Soon

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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep hogs and cows get slaughtered.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
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