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The future will soon be a thing of the past.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Soon
Stupid
Future
Past
Thing
People

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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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Life is not that complicated.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.
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It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.
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I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. But I understand the word cynic has more than one meaning, and I see how I could be seen as cynical. George, you're cynical. Well, you know, they say if you scratch a cynic you find a disappointed idealist. And perhaps the flame still flickers a little, you know
George Carlin