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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Bottle
Homeless
Bottles
Stupid
Seen
Guy
Never
People

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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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