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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
People
Joined
Organization
Humor
Stupid
Trust
Boys
Funny
Handbook
Never
Scouts

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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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Language always gives you away.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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