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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
People
Joined
Organization
Humor
Stupid
Trust
Boys
Funny
Handbook
Never
Scouts

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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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