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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Boys
Funny
Handbook
Never
Scouts
People
Joined
Organization
Humor
Stupid
Trust

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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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