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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
Handbook
Never
Scouts
People
Joined
Organization
Humor
Stupid
Trust
Boys
More quotes by George Carlin
Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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Life is tough, then you die.
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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We created god in our own image and likeness!
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When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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