Quote

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Cat
Legs
Stupid
Party
Happy
Two
People

More quotes by George Carlin

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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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In the doggie dictionary, under bow wow it says, See arf arf.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
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I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
George Carlin
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
George Carlin
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
George Carlin
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
George Carlin
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
George Carlin