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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Party
Happy
Two
People
Cat
Legs
Stupid

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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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Hooray for most things!
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
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There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
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I think it keeps the child alive in me. There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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