Quote

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
People
Cat
Legs
Stupid
Party
Happy
Two

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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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Language always gives you away.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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