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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Grow
Stupid
Grows
American
Funny
Used
Irish
People
Catholic
Humor

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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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Hooray for most things!
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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