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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
American
Funny
Used
Irish
People
Catholic
Humor
Grow
Stupid
Grows

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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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