Quote

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Funny
Sense
Drowning
Keep
Swimming
Way
Sport
People
Humor
Stupid
Sports
Common

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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
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The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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