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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Feels
Mets
Men
Shoes
Sorry
Took
Feet
Felt
Better
Feel

More quotes by George Carlin

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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
George Carlin
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
George Carlin
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
George Carlin
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.
George Carlin
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
George Carlin
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
George Carlin
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
George Carlin
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
George Carlin
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
George Carlin
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
George Carlin