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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Comedian
Discovered
Meaning
Humor
Changed
Funny
Life

More quotes by George Carlin

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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
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When people asked me, Do you get high to go onstage? I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
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I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.
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Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
George Carlin
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
George Carlin
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
George Carlin