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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Comedian
Discovered
Meaning
Humor
Changed
Funny
Life

More quotes by George Carlin

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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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Your home is your refuge.
George Carlin
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin