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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Moron
Called
Real
Thing
Thinking

More quotes by George Carlin

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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
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The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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