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What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around – that's their job!

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Jobs
Around
Dogs
Dog
Lying

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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
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One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
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I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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